The Spectrum of Grief: A New Perspective

Today, we’re exploring a crucial topic in the realm of grief: the spectrum of grief and why it manifests so differently person to person. Let’s discuss what it means to grieve and how understanding these differences can help you support yourself and your loved ones through loss.

What is grief? And why does it look different between people?

Grief is a deeply personal journey that varies from one person to another. Just as people fall on different spectrums in various aspects of life, grief is no different. It’s essential to recognize and respect the diversity in how people process loss. In previous blog posts, we discussed inviting others into our grief spaces, common grief responses, and grief states. If you haven’t read those yet, I recommend catching up to build a solid foundation for understanding this post.

Emotive Grief: External Expressions of Loss

On one end of the grief spectrum, we encounter what’s known as intuitive or emotive grief. This style of grieving is characterized by open, external expressions of sorrow. Individuals who experience emotive grief may frequently cry, talk openly about their loss, and seek comfort from others. This form of grieving can sometimes be dramatized in media, depicting intense outward emotional displays such as wailing or throwing things. It’s what one expects to see because of how it has been depicted and normalized (atleast as much as a grief-phobic society can normalize grief).

People with emotive grief often wear their emotions on their sleeves, expressing their pain openly and seeking support from their social networks. This outward expression can be a healthy part of processing grief and can help others understand the depth of their experience.

Instrumental Grief: Internal Processing and Reflection

On the opposite end of the spectrum is instrumental grief. This style emphasizes internal processing of emotions. Individuals who grieve instrumentally may not display overt emotional reactions. Instead, they process their feelings internally, reflecting on memories, listening to music that reminds them of their loved one, or quietly rebuilding their inner world. It’s a more stoic presentation and there may be assumptions that this person isn’t grieving or is in denial or avoiding, when really they are grieving, it just doesn’t look like the more socially accepted style of grief.

Instrumental grievers might be misunderstood as less affected by the loss because their grief isn’t as visible. Their experience is just as profound and meaningful. It’s important to remember that neither form of grief is better or worse; they are simply different ways of navigating the same journey.

Navigating Family Dynamics and Grief

Family systems can be particularly impacted by these differences in grieving styles. For instance, if a family loses a primary caregiver, some members might exhibit intuitive grief while others lean towards an instrumental approach. These differences can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, as each family member processes their grief in their own way.

A remaining parent might worry about why some children are crying while others aren’t. This concern is valid but doesn’t necessarily indicate a problem. I think that’s why providing education about the different ways grief shows up is important to work toward reducing comparative narratives around grief. Each person’s grief is unique, and variations in grieving styles are normal. Compassion and understanding are key to navigating these differences and supporting each other effectively.

The Role of Personality and Gender in Grief

Personality traits, such as introversion and extroversion, can also influence how someone experiences grief. However, being an extrovert doesn’t always equate to intuitive grieving, nor does being an introvert always mean instrumental grieving. It’s essential not to make assumptions based on personality traits or gender. Gender identity is also an important piece to consider. I’ve listened to training on grief where it’s been commented that male-identified individuals grieve instrumentally and female-identified individuals grief intuitively and I think that’s malarky. Anyone can grieve in the way that aligns for them regardless of personality or gender identity and we need to move away from making assumptions about how people grieve based on those assumed presentations. It minimizes the lived grief experience and the diversity and complexity of it. Grief is highly individual and can vary greatly regardless of these factors.

Understanding Children’s Grief and Capacity

Children often express grief differently from adults. Younger children might struggle to grasp the concept of death, leading to confusion or acting out. Teenagers, on the other hand, may exhibit a mix of intuitive and instrumental grief as they navigate their own complex emotions.

Children can also teach us about capacity. They instinctively know when they’ve reached their limit of processing grief and switch to activities that provide comfort and joy. This balance between grief work and restorative activities is crucial for all of us, not just children.

Finding Balance in Grief

Balancing grief work and restorative activities is essential. Grief work involves reflecting on our loss, journaling, or talking about our loved one, while restorative activities include self-care, spending time with supportive people, and engaging in activities that bring joy. Oscillating between these two types of work helps maintain our emotional well-being and allows us to honor both our pain and our need for healing.

Embracing the Unique Journey of Grief

Each person’s grief journey is unique, and it’s important to give yourself permission to explore what you need at any given time. Whether you lean towards intuitive or instrumental grieving, or find yourself somewhere in between, remember that all forms of grief are valid.

I want to remind you that grief is a natural and necessary part of healing. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Allow yourself to move along the spectrum as needed, and know that your experience is valid.

Thank you for joining me on this exploration of the grief spectrum. Remember be kind to yourself and that you’re doing a great job. Take care.

If you’d like to learn more, here is the link to a podcast episode about the spectrum of grief: https://embed.podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-is-the-new-normal-episode-4-navigating-the/id1734509245?i=1000649586152

Interested in learning more or working with me? Reach out via email at hello@griefisthenewnormal.com, listen to my podcast “Grief is the New Normal: A Podcast with Dr. Heather Taylor” available on all major platforms and YouTube, or follow along on Instagram @grief_is_the_new_normal.