Understanding Grief: Moving Beyond the Five Stages

Welcome to another edition of Grief is the New Normal blog. I’m Dr. Heather Taylor, a licensed psychologist and grief specialist. Today, we’re diving into a common question that many people grappling with loss face: “How long will this feeling last?” and “What stage happens next?”

Grief can often feel overwhelming and confusing, especially when we try to fit it into neat, linear stages. The well-known framework of the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—has been widely discussed and applied to various forms of loss. However, it’s crucial to recognize that this model, initially designed for those facing terminal illness, doesn’t capture the full complexity of grief. Let’s explore why grief isn’t a simple, linear process and why understanding it in terms of different emotional states can be more helpful.

The Myth of Linear Stages

Many people are familiar with the five stages of grief proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. This model was originally intended to describe the emotional response of individuals facing their own death. Over time, however, it has been adapted to describe the grieving process for those left behind after a loss. While the stages provide a framework, they imply a progression that doesn’t align with how grief is experienced in reality.

Grief is not a straight path with clear-cut phases. Instead, it’s more like a rollercoaster, with highs and lows, unexpected twists, and turns. Emotions can surface at any time, in any order, and with varying intensity. You might find yourself cycling through different emotional states repeatedly or experiencing them all at once. There’s no specific order or duration that applies universally.

Embracing the Emotional States of Grief

Rather than trying to fit grief into a predefined sequence, it’s more beneficial to understand grief as a range of emotional experiences that can ebb and flow unpredictably. Emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and relief may appear intermittently or overlap, and it’s normal for these feelings to fluctuate from day to day. We cycle through them over and over and over as grief never goes away; it just gets different.

In the early stages of grief, you might find yourself in denial, disbelief, numbness or shock and really struggling to accept the reality of the loss. This will initial disorientation will change over time which doesn’t mean forgetting or moving on but rather being curious and creating new ways to integrate the loss into your life that allows for ongoing healing and growth. The goal is not to reach a final stage but to find a new normal that incorporates your loss into your life narrative.

Anger, fear, guilt and other difficult emotions might arise as you grapple with the perceived unfairness of the loss. This can be challenging and exhausting to manage. These emotional responses are not failures but natural reactions to the overwhelming sense of helplessness and desire for control. I think we wanted to have those linear stages because it allows for a beginning, middle and end to our grief experience and as previously stated, the grief won’t go away. It will just get different.

There can be period of depression or deep sadness throughout the first few years. We see this as that reality of the loss becoming more apparent, affecting your daily functioning. Grief bursts, or unexpected waves of intense emotion, can continue to occur long after the initial loss. These bursts are often activated by reminders or life events or even innocuous things, and they can feel particularly intense because they catch you off guard. We make assumptions that we will feel grief more acutely on anniversaries, birthdays or holidays, however the simple task of going to the grocery store can be just as grief activating.

Moving Beyond the Stages: The Ripple Effect of Loss

One significant limitation of the five stages model is that it doesn’t account for the secondary losses or ripples that occur over time. Secondary losses refer to the ongoing impacts of the primary loss—like the absence of a loved one at milestones or in everyday moments. These ripples can emerge months or even years after the initial loss and can bring fresh waves of grief.

For example, a parent who has passed away might not be there for important life events like a child’s wedding or the birth of a grandchild. These moments can activate renewed grief, not because the initial loss has faded but because the absence is felt more acutely in new contexts.

The Importance of Meaning-Making

While the five stages provide a starting point, finding personal meaning in your grief is a more constructive approach. Meaning-making involves honoring the memory of your loved one and integrating their legacy into your life. This might include creating rituals, memorials, or engaging in activities that reflect their influence on your life. This is going to look different for each individual as your loss and relation with your person was unique to you. This is a space to be creative as what feels important may change depending on the season or even your capacity to do something.

Meaning-making is not about finding a silver lining or minimizing the pain but about acknowledging the impact of the loss and finding ways to continue honoring your loved one. It’s about finding hope amidst the despair and creating a space for both grief and growth.

Embracing Your Unique Grief Journey

Grief is a deeply personal experience with no one-size-fits-all solution. It’s okay to experience a wide range of emotions and to have your own unique process. There’s no “right” way to grieve or set timeline for healing. Allow yourself the freedom to feel what you feel and to navigate your grief in a way that’s authentic to you.

As we continue to explore grief, remember that you are not alone. There is strength in community and healing through connection. Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or a dream, your experience is valid and deserving of compassion.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through understanding grief. In our next episode, we’ll delve into the spectrum of loss and how it affects us. Until then, be kind to yourself and remember that you are doing a great job navigating this complex and deeply personal journey.

Warmly,
Dr. Heather Taylor

If you’d like to learn more, here is a link to a podcast episode about grief states: https://embed.podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-is-the-new-normal-episode-3-unraveling-the/id1734509245?i=1000648724323

Interested in learning more or working with me? Reach out via email at hello@griefisthenewnormal.com, listen to my podcast “Grief is the New Normal: A Podcast with Dr. Heather Taylor” available on all major platforms and YouTube, or follow along on Instagram @grief_is_the_new_normal.