“Celebrating” birthdays while Grieving
A Special Birthday Gift
This year, I received a touching birthday present—a quilt made from my late brother’s t-shirts by my mom’s best friend. It’s a beautiful, tangible reminder of him, offering comfort as we approach the 15th anniversary of his passing. I wanted to share this because it feels like a warm hug, one that brings him a little closer on special days like these.
The Weight of Aging When Loved Ones Cannot
Birthdays naturally prompt reflection on our journey—celebrating personal growth and milestones achieved. However, they also bring the bittersweet reality of aging in a society that often shies away from discussions of grief. For those of us mourning a sibling or any loved one, birthdays underscore the painful awareness that they are no longer aging with us. This mixture of gratitude for another year and sorrow for their absence is a complex emotion many of us navigate privately.
Celebrating Amidst Grief
In a culture that expects birthdays to be purely joyful, those of us in grief might feel out of place. It’s okay to experience a range of emotions—from joy to sadness, nostalgia to relief—and it’s essential to give ourselves permission to honor these feelings without judgment.
Establishing New Traditions
How we choose to mark our birthdays post-loss can vary greatly. Some might find solace in creating new traditions, like baking a favorite cake of a lost one or going on a commemorative hike. Others may prefer quieter observances or even opt to let the day pass with little to no ceremony. All these choices are valid. It’s about finding what feels right for you and embracing that fully.
Navigating Birthdays and Anniversaries
As we approach these significant dates, planning for self-care becomes crucial. Consider what might help you in the days leading up to and following a birthday or anniversary. Whether it’s taking time off, connecting with supportive friends or family, or engaging in comforting activities, it’s important to be intentional about your needs.
Reflection Questions to Consider
- What does aging well mean to me? How does it intertwine with grieving well?
- How can I honor the passage of time while also remembering those who are no longer here?
- Am I feeling pressured to celebrate in a certain way? What would feel more authentic to me?
These questions aren’t just reflective; they’re a form of self-care, inviting us to approach our grief and our celebrations with intentionality and grace.
Final Thoughts
Embracing both the joy and pain that birthdays can bring is part of the complex journey of grief. If you’re finding this season challenging, know that you’re not alone. Your feelings, no matter how contradictory they seem, are valid and acknowledged here.
Thank you for joining me today for this conversation. I hope it brought some comfort, perhaps a smile, and a sense of connection. Remember, you’re doing a great job—be kind to yourself and know that here at ‘Grief is the New Normal,’ we understand and we’re with you every step of the way.
I’m Dr. Heather Taylor, a licensed psychologist in Washington state. I’ve been practicing grief therapy since 2012 and am passionate about changing the narrative of grief in our current cultural climate. Grief is a universal lived experience and as such needs to be something we talk about without the taboo attached. I hope you’ll join me as we work to adjust to the new normal we are living in and support one another in that process.
Dr. Taylor is also a co-founder of ‘The Mourning Movement,’ with Jen Reisinger, LMHC. The Mourning Movement aims to create spaces for grief education and community support to reduce isolation and stigma around grief. Be sure to sign up for more modern grief insights and resources at https://themourningmovement.myflodesk.com/resourcesandnewsletter